10th March 2012

The man can’t even go horse riding with his old Eton buddy on a horse lent by the bobbies of London to his mates media magnate wife without everybody getting all “what the actual hell are you doing?” on his ass. Whoa…easy Press, there, there, suck on a sugar lump and relax yeah?

Much maligned Rebekah Brooks is in many ways the Pippa from Home and Away of retired police horses. It’s not like it was a bouncing foal that she took into her home. The grizzled old nag Raisa, or Razor as she was probably known on the street, had seen thirteen years on the riot squad before being adopted and bundled off into a life of luxury in Chipping Norton. They have basically retold the plot of “Different Strokes” but replaced sassy Willis with a broken down horse and Mr Drummond with Rupert Murdoch. Why has no one turned this into a television programme yet; imagine the life lessons to be learnt? All I want is one scene where Mr. M talks Raisa out of trying drugs while playing basketball and I will be happy.

Think of the things Raisa has seen on all those years on the force before ending her career quite so very close to David Cameron’s arse and he wonders why people think he has it in for the public sector? One day you’re the renegade horse on the beat; the next desk duty is hinted at and before you know it your career is over and your friends socially with Jeremy Clarkson; that would confuse anyone. Maybe they got on, bonded over right of centre politics, the horse possibly being from the old school Gene Hunt of policing? I could see them now solving rural crime together in an old fashioned, slightly reactionary way; part “Death Wish” part “Country File”. Is there no end to the TV programmes this story generates?

What is strange is that when asked about what must have been a very special time in our young PM’s life, he seems so confused about the incident. After days of the Conservative party briefing the press otherwise Dave suddenly remembered that he had indeed ridden on an ex-force-horse with one of the most notorious women in Britain Surly the situation should have left more of a mark in the Premier’s memory and at least inspired some curiosity. You’d think mid-gamble, he’d pause, pull on the reigns and think “Hang on a minute, should I, Prime Minister of this country really be sitting, quite literally, on the neighing braying evidence of the cosiness between police and big business?”

But then the rich are different to you and I and David is a trusting soul. We all remember his wounded shock when he discovered that Andy Coulson, former Director of Communications didn’t quite deserve the second chance he so kindly gave him. What is it about mega influential, media insider bad boys that you are so drawn to David? There’s no way you could have known there was something fishy about the ex-News of the World editor, unless of course, the very fact that he was an ex-editor of The News of the World hadn’t set off some alarm bells. Now even Rebekah, the horse whisperer herself, has been arrested on suspicion of conspiring to intercept communications and corruption. It’s not you, it’s them David, you just love too much.

But what of Raisa? The one friend that never betrayed him, the humble working class horse he’d formed such an unlikely friendship with, the Billy Connelly to his Mrs Brown. Poor old Raisa was dismissed and died alone and forgotten on a farm in Norfolk. Maybe she just didn’t fit in anymore; maybe she was bullying the other horses, or maybe she had seen and heard too much and was trying to communicate to David the rotten state in the heart of modern journalism; pawing messages in the clay, diverting the PM to telephone wire and whinnying?

I hope he doesn’t let it cloud his memories of Raiza. She was to begin with a difficult horse to ride, nervy, jumpy and mistrusting. She probably reminded him of Nick Clegg in the good old days when he was still so high and haughty and “I shan’t be in your coalition Mr Cameron”, before he got all broken, tired and sat in crying to music every night. I like to think David arrived in the paddock one day and Raiza just wasn’t there anymore. Don’t let them get you down, David, and if anyone dares muddy the sacred name of Raisa this week at PMQs, just relax, keep calm and hum the theme to “Black Beauty” really loudly in your head.